Well a thanks has to go out to sivakumar123. Thanks for the comment. Had a small heart to heart with her tonight as she didn't have long. Told her i loved her and missed her. She told me she loves me too. That we will get back together and that she just has too much on her plate at the moment for her to be in a relationship. We still kiss and tell each other we love each other, it's just that the relationship is on a back burner while she sorts herself out.
So she does love me. Lately i've been tearing myself apart about it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm totally restless. I can't sit down even though i want to, i can't eat. I can't sleep very well and i have to be in London tomorrow morning, which means a 4am start! I probably won't get back till 8pm. I'm going to be knackered.
I asked her how long she needed. She came back with 'how long is a piece of string?' I have to admit i did find a bit of string that wasn't that long, she laughed. I said 'i'd say that's about a week?' nothing. Can't blame me for trying.
Thing is, i can't see why she needs time and space to get her self sorted and family stuff done. I really can't. What's the difference with me being there to support her and me not being there to support her? That's all i do. I've never treated her badly. Yet, it still feels like i'm being punished. And for what? Loving her?
I often think to myself if i'm actually meant to be happy. Maybe i'm just meant to make other people happy for a while and then they move on. While i'm left standing still. Things have always been complicated for me. Feels like i'm always going the awkward way of doing things. Never simple. And somehow, not matter what i do. It always, ALWAYS fucks up.
This whole weekend i've spend alone. Withdrawn from the world. My housemate's been on holiday and my girlfriend was supposed to come over saturday night and didn't. This weekend i've felt like i don't exist.
Shadows and dust, shadows and dust.
But thankfully my housemate is back, we're having a lads gaming night in tomorrow. And Tuesday, my girlfriend/not girlfriend will be coming around. So the gap i had before feels a little more filled. In fact, when she kissed me earlier, nothing else mattered. In that single moment, i was happy again. That's something i have to hold on to. Because that's all life is really. A series of moments. A single moment can make you the happiest person alive. But another one can destroy you.
But you know you've met the right person, when you can honestly say you would do anything for them. I'd do anything for her. I'd face my fear of knives for her. Yes, i said knives. I'm not afraid of using them myself, but when you've nearly been stabbed twice in your life, you get a little edgy around them.
My assessment for today is this, if there was a woman to man translator, he or she would be a millionaire.
Of course pshychologists would consider themselves that, but that's bollocks too.