A Knights Tale Of Life And Love

Alright, I'm Getting It....

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 02:09:34 +0100

Okay, due to a recent backlash of the female population (not just on here, believe me), i have decided to change my tact.

You are all quite right, you don't all hold the cards. And yes, i can imagine some like to be hunted. But some love to be hunters.

In this day and age of pubs and bars and clubs, how are we to know who is single and who is not?

This is my main dilemmma. And it's not just me, obviously. There's a whole host of people with the same problem. Meeting someone can be tough when you can't even get the courage up to say "Are you single?" For the plain and simple reason you're scared they're going to say "No" and you'll make a fool of yourself. Or they'll make a fool out of you. This is the fear.

In actual fact, most women and men aren't like that. They, in all fairness, will probably answer either yes or no based on truth or whether they like you or not.

I know i shot myself in the foot for maybe trying too hard and saying that the girls hold all the cards. I'm just saying it's hard.

Even if you do get a look, a quick glance, a smile and generally things seem good from far away. You could walk up, attempt to start a conversation and her boyfriend walks over with a drink from the bar. So although i was getting the signals from afar, it was more like close and present danger.

Put it this way, this situation did actually happen. I introduced myself to him as her long standing friend and then bid them a good night and moved away. Eyebrows raised and eyes saying "Thank god i got away with that one."

So, conclusion. You really have no idea about anyone or if they like you unless you grow some balls, and just frickin' ask! Hopefully this should sink in.

If not, i'll write it down on a piece of paper and eat it.

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Welll... Last Night Didn't Turn Out As I Expected...

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:11:12 +0100

So, last night. Was supposed to go out. But i didn't. Work called, had to go in this morning. So, this sucks. I'm still declaring it open season on myself though.

I want a new girlfriend.

This whole being on my own malarky. I don't like it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not bothered with being on my own. I'm perfectly happy. I'm just bored and i miss the companionship.

So as soon as i can, i'm geting myself out there. Again.

This is the worst dry spell i've had in years. Normally at least one girl likes me, but none do at the moment. Is some cosmic force stopping me from meeting people? Or is it fate? Or am i just not bold enough to go and introduce myself to women anymore?

Why do you lot (women) have to hold all the cards. It's no wonder i'm scared you're going to tell me to fuck off. But then again, i have to keep drumming it into my head, that you probably won't. I'm an attractive guy, good caring personality.

Why wouldn't you at least take my number?

SO yeah, last night didn't happen. How lame. Still, there's time. I'm just getting bored. Well, i tell a lie, I AM bored.

All i want is a hug, is that too much to ask?

And a date?

For the love of god, someone give me a chance! THROW ME A BONE HERE!

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Lookig Forward...

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 12:17:19 +0200

So, things haven't been gong great for me as of late. But i'm starting to believe that life is what you make of it. So, looking at that phrase, i'm decided to make something of it.

What i haven't been telling you is that i've been out almost every night. Except last night, simply because i was too tired, three hours sleep is testing.

Tonight, i hit the town again. Club Ice. I have some old friends who invited me, they're a good crowd and my best friend Emma is with them. So i have nothing to complain about. Now before, i would have ummed and ahhhed about it. But the Americans have a saying, "Go with the flow." So, i decided to get going and start flowing.

Now, i could meet some very beautiful women in this club. And a woman of high calibre is hard for me to come by as of late. But when an oppourtunity like this arrises, you simply have to take it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not about getting over Janine or Cherry, Janine being the one who broke my heart and Cherry being the one who is... Well... A few pennies short of a pound.

It's about finding myself, and in Club Ice, with such a plethora of women about, i'm bound to find one. Two, maybe three? Who knows where the day might take you.

And I have to admit, my dad and Alfie said the same thing. Whenever you see a beautiful woman, somewhere... There's a bloke who's sick of shagging her.

Not that i'm one of these blokes who plays around. Oh, no, no, no. Whatever i've settled with, i stick with. It's just, while i'm young, free and single... I'm declaring open season on myself.

I'll let you know how it goes.

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Dilemmas... Or Easy Choices?

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:53:46 +0200

Well before i even started this blog, the situation has been taken out of my hands.

You really can't trust women. Or ex's i should say. I can't even get out of the house and i'm going stirr crazy. I'm just sick of the shit. Every girl that shows an interest in me, i show a partial interest back in and then they bail. I'm just not enough of a challenge obviously.

My ex that totally broke my heart sounded like she was thinking of wanting something to happen now she's turned it on it's head.

So girls, here's a news flash for you.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU!

Here's a charming, nice guy. A real man. Apparently good looking, intelligent, a good provider, apparently a good body, sweet, kind and caring. And i have a few girls after me. At first i'm not interested, but as soon as they start to win me over, the tables turn and i end up chasing after them!

This is NOT how it's supposed to be. Only today, for the first time EVER did i realise this had happened and i metaphorically stopped and said to myself "Wait a minute... what the hell happened here? A minute ago she was chasing me." And i decided to walk away, but not even walk! I RAN! I saw the shit storm coming and i ran to shelter.

I didn't even understand how i got to this point. It's self depreciating, irritating and leaves me starting to think i can't go into relationships because it'll just end up happening again.

I really need to work on my resolve. You know what? Fuck it.

This Is A Declaration

If any woman wants me for who i am, they can chase me. I'm done chasing. Because unlike the assholes out there who don't give a damn about women and how they treat them...

I AM WORTH CHASING

I do care, i do give a damn, i will look after you, i would get married, i want to have kids.

WHAT ON EARTH IS THERE TO NOT WANT TO CHASE ME?!

I'm just saying, i've finally realised i'm a catch is all.

Now i'm a challenge. Writing this, i have more self respect than i had before.

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The Atermath Of The Bully Situation...

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 11:39:53 +0200

Well, i deleted the recording. She called and apologised. She said she didn't even know it was happening. That she was drunk and she was so sorry. Then she started crying hysterically. That she couldn't believe what happened. She wanted me to be sure that it was the same guy from Monday.

I never forget a voice. Especially one who threatens me. Because doing that is a big mistake in my book.

So now i'm not sure what to believe. Then she started spouting stuff about her really liking me. In fact that she's pretty sure she wants to be with me.

Okay, apart from the girls i've met on here who leave me comments, these girls are screwed up. I swear.

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Nothing I Hate More Than A Bully...

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 04:20:27 +0200

I really shouldn't be awake right now, but i am. I got sick of harassment calls from some guy i don't know with a London accent. Trying to pass himself off as a traveller and challenging me to a fight. He knew alot about me, except for where i lived. So i only had to narrow it down to the people i know who were telling him stuff, that didn't know where i lived.

So that narrowed it down.

But something stood out. I'd told someone i was a cage fighter for a laugh and SHE believed me. I didn't correct her, i saw no reason to. But he mentioned this and the fact that he wants to fight me. Saying that he bets me £10,000 to fight him. I told him he sounded like he didn't have a penny to scratch his arse with.

So anyway, i knew who it was now. I just needed it to be totally conclusive. Well, this morning it was. The idiot called... on her phone... without blocking the number. I pointed out this fact to the jackass and he tested me. I told him who it was and off he went on one saying well done. It was at this point i started recording the call...

You could hear her and her voice and the fact something explicit was going on.

Now i don't handle betrayal and being lied to very well. Not very well at all.

So i called back after hanging up, i figured if he could use scare tactics on me, i could do the same. Now i knew enough to swing the balance of power.

When i called back, he seemed annoyed that i did. Seeing as he said in the last call he'd come to Bath and beat the shit out of me. So he asked, "What the hell do you want?!"

I answered "What i want?... I want you to stay on the phone... for about 30 to 50 seconds."

I was bluffing of course, i wasn't tracing the call. But it was enough for him to brick it and say "No, i know what your game is!" before hanging up rather abruptly.

Now i really don't like being woken up this early. Full stop. So i went out of my way to keep calling the number back. Just letting them know that i have a recording of them. I wonder how much they're gonna regret it in the morning.

I hate bullies.

Disloyalty, is swiftly met with vengeance.

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New Dawn, New Day...

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 10:54:13 +0200

Well i have to admit, i've been getting some kind words of encouragement on here and some 'GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!'s from the people i see in the real world. I've realised, and it's also finally sunk in, that i was just doing the right thing in my eyes.

I can't blame myself for being lied to. The situation had presented itself to me as a woman in need, and i did what i felt it was my duty to do. Could have been any woman and i still would have felt like it was my responsibiliy to help. That is just built in.

I swear sometimes, i was born a few hundred years too late. My morals and thoughts on the way men should be to women seem to be long dead to most. But not to me, they are my morals and i stand by them.

Who would i be throwing down the sword for anyway? So my services and my heart were used against me, i cannot let it break me. Besides, who's going to save anyone when the whole world goes to shit? There'll be one less guy like me, that's for sure, if i gave up.

But it's a new day and i'm remaining positive. I suppose i was being reflective and despondent. But the situations i had been through this weekend, i had not endured before. Including the infidelity.

Still, i know i just got a job, but i work in between both of their shops that they work in. Talk about awkward. So i'm looking at other jobs and things. Possibly a ski resort job. Gets me out and about and i don't have to worry about spending money.

Well at least it's decided. I won't stop being the person i am. Throwing down the sword was a bad idea. Somewhere out there is a place for me. I just keep going until i find it.

And i will. One day.

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Weird Day...

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:14:00 +0200

Alright, i admit. It's been a funny week. Well... few weeks.

I mean, come on. It's not often all this sort of thing happens. Feels like i'm banging my head against a brick wall sometimes. I'm still questioning things about what happened. With everything.

Questioning myself and my own judgments. And i don't second guess myself, not normally. I make a decision and i follow it through. But i've never felt so bad for doing the right thing.

Well, what i thought was the right thing. I suppose i'm questioning my own beliefs.

Is it true? Is chivalry dead among men? Is it a question of right and wrong? Does doing the right thing and protecting those who can't protect themselves, even matter anymore?

I'd like to think myself chivalrous, courageous and someone who stands up for what he believes in. Honour, loyalty, chivalry, respect. These things matter to me. When i don't see them in other people, other men, i don't understand why.

Us, as men, are supposed to fight for what we believe in. Protect those we love and love those we protect. If i truly love someone, i would go down fighting if their life was at stake. Even against insurmountable odds, i'd do my best.

But i feel that no one wants that anymore. No one wants a hero. No one wants a knight in shining Armour. Which leaves me at an impasse. Do i hang up the gloves of the hero and throw down the sword?

...Or do i go it on my own, taking the world as it comes? In a world where the lines between right and wrong are so blurred, where do we really stand?

I know where i'd like to think i stand. I think it's also how people view me as well. I've never set out to intentionally hurt anyone. I don't do things out of malice. My heart's in the right place... But am i?

So back to the question, the impasse. Do i hang up the gloves and throw down the sword? Or do i struggle on, and keep being the hero?

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How Can Someone Make Me Feel So Worthless?

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:48:15 +0200

Okay, it's offical. All women are fucktards.

So it's turns out the girl who's boyfriend was beating her up, he wasn't beating her up.

Of course, i only found this out after we were together and it totally blew up. In my face.

So we spent, Thursday, Friday and Saturday together and she stayed over all of those nights. We were smitten. Everything was going great. She told me she loved me. I was the hero, the knight in shining armour. And for once i thought i'd found a girl who loved me for me. She helped around the house, she was kind, caring. Loved hugs in bed and on the sofa watching a film. It was great!

Then i got that old instictual gut feeling on the sunday when i was taking her home. I tried to shrug it off, but like an itch you can't scratch, i couldn't ignore it. She could tell something was up, since we'd been honest with each other so far, i told her my gut was telling me something was up between us. She told me there was nothing up and we were staying together.

Turns out her ex came over and they slept with each other. Of course, this isn't what she told me the next morning. No. I got told it by him. Only to be later confirmed by her.

Well thats the first time i've ever been cheated on in my life. So i felt pretty poor when i learned the truth. She'd been lying to me and him. So we confronted her. She, of course, walked away. He kept shouting whore at her, and everytime he did i pushed him and told him not to call her that. I just wanted to know the truth.

Then she said she wanted to talk to him. So he went up, i figured i would be next. I wasn't. I waited half an hour in the pissing rain. I called him and he put her on the phone after telling me to meet him in McDonalds for a chat in 15mins.

She came on... my heart sank. She said i was a mistake and that she loved him. Good weekend, but i was a mistake...

A mistake...

So i felt bad already anyway with the lying. Now i felt worthless. The way she made me feel, was it all just a lie?

Was everything over the course of the weekend just one big lie? I don't know what to feel. But now it leaves me in a moral dilemma. If someone like that can fool me and my family and make me fall for her, but then throw it all back in my face, cheat on me, lie to me, and call me a mistake... How can i trust that anyone i meet is ever telling me the truth? Or being themselves for that matter?

I seem to be a magnet for girls with mental problems or commitment issues. So inevitably i have nothing left to lose. I lost my friend and the girl who fooled me into thinking she was perfect for me.

I mean honestly... How in the hell do i get myself in these situations?! It's beyond me. But i'm resilient! I think? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just sick of getting hurt. I stick my neck out to save someone, be the hero, only to my face kicked by the person i'm trying to save.

IT'S INSANE! TOTALLY INSANE! Well, the emotional armour is back on. IF a girl likes me, then she has to work to get it off, only with time will i let her in and trust the future ones.

I thought i was being the knight in shining armour. Saving her and being the big hero. I never expected anything from her in return.

Things never turn out the way you want them to. But hopefully, one day, i'll find the one.

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Situations...

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:05:55 +0200

I tell you, at the moment, i'm not sure what to do. So the girl i like, she's seriously hot, but at the same time, the nicest girl i've ever met. She wants the same things i do, likes the same things i do.

It's just my luck she's with one of my friends. But... this is the bad part. He treats her like shit. It seriously irritates me. She's calling me, telling me she wants to end it with him she's just afraid of the unknown. She doesn't want to Be on her own. I told her i'd help her through it. I'd be there for her.

I've always been a man to keep my promises. So i promised her. She admitted that she liked me. I thought that was good, then she also admitted he had been violent to her recently. I felt a shot of adreneline shoot through my veins. I hate men like that, they aren't even men. They're boys who hit women to elevate themselves, the lowest. I told her to call me if he ever did it again. I'd get her out... Part of me wanted to dispense my own form of justice.

But i didn't, for her sake. She needs to get out of it. What i have to offer her is so much more.

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Here I Go Again On My Own...

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:05:38 +0200

Well, where did we last leave off? Oh yeah, with the girl i was seeing dumping me and not knowing what was going on. I was distraught. Typical, another girl ho took advantage of me. But, she came around again! Brilliant, i thought. Turns out she'd do the same thing again. The whole, i don't know if i'm 'in love' with you. I gave up this time, and shit really hit the fan involving too much alcohol. I remember everything that happened that warm late summers night, including the vomiting and pleading in the middle of the high street outside the pub...

I felt like a wreck... How else am i supposed to feel? Unfortunately, all my "friends" decided that my behaviour was out of order, stuck me in a taxi and didn't even call or text the next day to see if i was alive, two weeks later, still no texts. So i've completely written off the small town where it all happened. Too many people who know everyone else and what happened here and there. Small town syndrome. Everyone knows everyones business. Well, after over a decade there, i've written it off. I can't go back... Not to people who would disown me for one act like that. I've had swings at me from them when they've been just as bad and i've still taken them home and called them the next day, "You nearly took my eye out!" i'd joke with them.

So i've moved out of the small town and back to my parents. It's not bad living i guess. But i've started again, rebuilding. Heading the other direction when i turn out of the drive.

Trying to move on is a hard process, i loved that girl. I do things to keep my mind off it, but then i dream about her at night. Escape, it seems, is only until unconciousness comes. But all isn't too bad, i've met someone! An equal! Someone who wants the same things i want. Problem though...

She's my friends girlfriend. I know, i know. Don't go there. But i can't help it. I won't until they've broken up. Which might be sooner than i thought, she's been telling me how unhappy she is with him and that she doesn't love him. She even told him herself. His responce was, "I don't love you either, what's for dinner?" What kind of a reply was that?! Well, from all the things she's been telling me, my friend is exactly like my ex. Cold, distant. When he's nice, he's great. When he's not nice, he's a complete ass. And the latter seems to take hold more often than not. She doesn't want to be with him anymore. But she doesn't want to be on her own. I see the same problem i faced with my ex in her.

I told her i'd be there for her and she can rely on me. I'm quite willing to help her, it's not like i'm not going through the same thing myself. We could learn to cope together. Don't get me wrong, my friend is a good friend. But i can't see someone treated the same way as me and not do anything about it.

I've been ranting for a while now, best spare some thoughts for my next blog. Wish me happy birthday for the 6th of October last Monday. I got 3 texts off different friends, it was suffice to say, the quietest birthday i've ever had.

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Latest Events In My Love Life...

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:51:02 +0200

Well a thanks has to go out to sivakumar123. Thanks for the comment. Had a small heart to heart with her tonight as she didn't have long. Told her i loved her and missed her. She told me she loves me too. That we will get back together and that she just has too much on her plate at the moment for her to be in a relationship. We still kiss and tell each other we love each other, it's just that the relationship is on a back burner while she sorts herself out.

So she does love me. Lately i've been tearing myself apart about it. I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm totally restless. I can't sit down even though i want to, i can't eat. I can't sleep very well and i have to be in London tomorrow morning, which means a 4am start! I probably won't get back till 8pm. I'm going to be knackered.

I asked her how long she needed. She came back with 'how long is a piece of string?' I have to admit i did find a bit of string that wasn't that long, she laughed. I said 'i'd say that's about a week?' nothing. Can't blame me for trying.

Thing is, i can't see why she needs time and space to get her self sorted and family stuff done. I really can't. What's the difference with me being there to support her and me not being there to support her? That's all i do. I've never treated her badly. Yet, it still feels like i'm being punished. And for what? Loving her?

I often think to myself if i'm actually meant to be happy. Maybe i'm just meant to make other people happy for a while and then they move on. While i'm left standing still. Things have always been complicated for me. Feels like i'm always going the awkward way of doing things. Never simple. And somehow, not matter what i do. It always, ALWAYS fucks up.

This whole weekend i've spend alone. Withdrawn from the world. My housemate's been on holiday and my girlfriend was supposed to come over saturday night and didn't. This weekend i've felt like i don't exist.

Shadows and dust, shadows and dust.

But thankfully my housemate is back, we're having a lads gaming night in tomorrow. And Tuesday, my girlfriend/not girlfriend will be coming around. So the gap i had before feels a little more filled. In fact, when she kissed me earlier, nothing else mattered. In that single moment, i was happy again. That's something i have to hold on to. Because that's all life is really. A series of moments. A single moment can make you the happiest person alive. But another one can destroy you.

But you know you've met the right person, when you can honestly say you would do anything for them. I'd do anything for her. I'd face my fear of knives for her. Yes, i said knives. I'm not afraid of using them myself, but when you've nearly been stabbed twice in your life, you get a little edgy around them.

My assessment for today is this, if there was a woman to man translator, he or she would be a millionaire.

Of course pshychologists would consider themselves that, but that's bollocks too.

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My relationship...

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 20:46:10 +0200

Relationships. Complicated affairs. Currently i'm not sure whether i'm in one or not. And this isn't down to me girls, no no no. It's down to my girlfriend/ex/whatever she is. It's something i don't understand. So she recently told me that she wants some time to herself. She still loves me, wants to be with me. She still tells me she loves me, still kisses me. WHAT THE HELL?!

But we're no longer together at the same time. Plus, she only does the above when no one is around. I don't understand. I have a massive gap where she's meant to be. I'm restless. I'm even having trouble writing this! It's like she cares but she doesn't at the same time.

I don't know what to do. I'm left feeling empty.

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